Tag Archives: Food Jokes

Spaghetti, Spaghetti

spaghetti-250x167For several years, an American man had been having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided to him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go back to Italy to secretly have the child. Also, if she stayed in Italy raise the child, he would provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write ‘Spaghetti’ on the back when the child was born. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife. ‘Honey,’ she said, ‘You received a very strange post card today.’

‘Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it later,’ he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.

Holiday Eating Tips

We do not know where this list originated, so unfortunately we cannot give proper credit where credit is due. However, we do want to thank everyone who sent in this useful list of (emotionally) healthy holiday eating tips via email:

1. Avoid carrot sticks, celery, cauliflower and broccili. Anyone who puts raw vegetables on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. In fact, if you see vegetables, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It’s rare; you cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? (That’s what New Year’s resolutions are for!) It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It’s a treat.. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. Speaking of mashed potatoes, always ask if they are made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Holiday party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it!

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps. Circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog is exercise enough until the ball drops on December 31st.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape — and size — of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t move an inch. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, please… have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention. Reread these tips. Start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:

“Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate and wine in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO HOO what a ride!”