Dirty Johnny jokes

Dirty Johnny climbs onto Santa’s lap at the department store. Santa says, “I’ll bet I know what you want for Christmas.” And with his index finger he taps the boy on the nose with every letter he spells, “T-O-Y-S.”

The little boy answers, “No, I have enough toys.”

Santa tries again, tapping Johnny’s nose with every letter, “C-A-N-D-Y.”

Again, Johnny says, “No, I have all kinds of candy.”

“Well, what would you like for Christmas?” Santa asks.

Johnny replies, tapping Santa on the nose, “P-U-S-S-Y. And don’t tell me you don’t have any because I can smell it on your finger!”

Q: Why does Santa come down the chimney?
A: Because his pants are tight and he wriggles a lot.

A little girl climbs up on Santa’s lap, and as usual, Santa asks, “Well, little girl, what do you want for Christmas this year?”

The girl answers “Santa, I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe.”

Confused, Santa asks, “Doesn’t Barbie come with Ken?”

“No, Santa. Barbie comes with G.I. Joe. She fakes it with Ken.”

Did you hear that Tampax is replacing the string on tampons with a piece of tinsel? …but just for the Christmas period.

Three men pass away on Christmas Eve and are waiting at the pearly gates. St. Peter says they can get into Heaven, but only if they have something with them related to Christmas.

The first guy flicks his lighter. “Look, it’s a Christmas candle!” he exclaims, and St. Peter lets him in.

The second fellows takes out his keys and jangles them. “Listen… Jingle bells! Jingle Bells!” he sings, and he is also allowed in.

The third guy, who died during the office Christmas party, thinks for a minute then takes a pair of ladies’ panties out of his pocket.

“Okay,” St. Peter asks. “What do those have to do with Christmas?”

“They’re Carol’s!”

Q: Why wasn’t Jesus born in Italy?
A: They had the three wise guys, but they couldn’t find a virgin.

Q: How does a Jew celebrate Christmas?
A: He installs a parking meter on the roof.

Q: How is a Catholic priest like a Christmas tree?
A: The balls are just for decoration.

Q: Why doesn’t Santa have any kids?
A: He only comes once a year.

A beautiful and amorous Santa groupie decided she was going to give Santa a present he wouldn’t forget. So she puts on a negligee, sheer panties and a robe, and sits next to the fireplace on Christmas Eve.

Around midnight, Santa drops down the chimney and places some presents under the tree. He is about to leave when the young woman says in her sexiest voice, “Oh Santa, please stay. Help me keep the chill away.”

Santa replies, “HO HO HO! Gotta go, gotta go! Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.”

The girl drops her robe to reveal the see-through nightie and pleads, “Oh Santa, don’t go so soon. Let’s go to the couch and spoon.”

Santa, feeling flushed, replies, “HO HO HO! Gotta go, gotta go! Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.”

The girl takes off her top and says, “Oh, Santa. Please stay. Help me celebrate Christmas Day.”

Santa’s eyes get wide, but he still answers, “HO HO HO! Gotta go, gotta go! Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.”

Finally, she slips off her panties, winks at him, and says, “Oh, Santa… Please…”

With a smile, Santa says, “HEY HEY HEY! Gotta stay, Gotta stay! Can’t get up the chimney with my pecker this way!!!”