Thank you, Alyson! Here are some of the more humorous Twitter quotes from the multi-talented comedic writer Alyson Fouse:
When people suck the life out of you, wouldn’t it be nice if they took some fat, too?
Poor bartenders. Nobody complains to them anymore. We just bitch on Twitter.
Does a sports bra really support anything other than delusions?
A zombie apocalypse doesn’t frighten me half as much as Beiber Fever.
I really don’t think I’m that heavy. I think gravity just loves me more.
It’s just God’s cruel joke that the delivery guy is this gorgeous and I’m this old.
I procrastinate at a professional level.
There’s a report out that coffee extends your life. That may be true, but if I drink too much of it a lot of people will want to kill me.
I’ve been using food to replace sex. I used to have a lot of sex.
I was cool with disco. Didn’t like house. Hate whatever this music is that Chris Brown is doing. Shall we call it bullshit?
“Don’t give away what you can get them to pay for.” -The first guy who bottled water, and yeah, probably a whore.
Life is good. Fattening, but good.
I believe anyone who’d want to see Octomom do porn would have a more enjoyable time visiting the grand canyon.
Okay, something’s wrong. I’m still eating this Chinese food and I’m already hungry again.
Fell asleep watching a movie and woke up with cat hair in my hair. I’m pretty sure my life used to be sexier than this.
Is it just me or does a tube top scream hooker?
You know those Zaaz machines in the mall that shake the hell out of you? I kinda’ like ’em. That might be because I don’t have testicles.
The guy who cleans my pool just sped off like he peed in it.
If I’m already sick of hearing your sad story, shouldn’t you be tired of living it?