I just bought some condoms, and when the pharmacist asked if I needed a bag, I said, “Naw, she isn’t THAT ugly.”

Can’t we all just get along?

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A bride was walking down the aisle and when she noticed that the groom was standing at the altar with his golf bag.

When she got to the front, she whispered, “Why did you bring your golf clubs?”

Puzzled, he leaned toward her and said, “This isn’t going to take all day, is it?”

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Thank you, Alyson! Here are some of the more humorous Twitter quotes from the multi-talented comedic writer Alyson Fouse:

When people suck the life out of you, wouldn’t it be nice if they took some fat, too?

Poor bartenders. Nobody complains to them anymore. We just bitch on Twitter.

Does a sports bra really support anything other than delusions?

A zombie apocalypse doesn’t frighten me half as much as Beiber Fever.

I really don’t think I’m that heavy. I think gravity just loves me more.

It’s just God’s cruel joke that the delivery guy is this gorgeous and I’m this old.

I procrastinate at a professional level.

There’s a report out that coffee extends your life. That may be true, but if I drink too much of it a lot of people will want to kill me.

I’ve been using food to replace sex. I used to have a lot of sex.

I was cool with disco. Didn’t like house. Hate whatever this music is that Chris Brown is doing. Shall we call it bullshit?

“Don’t give away what you can get them to pay for.” -The first guy who bottled water, and yeah, probably a whore.

Life is good. Fattening, but good.

I believe anyone who’d want to see Octomom do porn would have a more enjoyable time visiting the grand canyon.

Okay, something’s wrong. I’m still eating this Chinese food and I’m already hungry again.

Fell asleep watching a movie and woke up with cat hair in my hair. I’m pretty sure my life used to be sexier than this.

Is it just me or does a tube top scream hooker?

You know those Zaaz machines in the mall that shake the hell out of you? I kinda’ like ‘em. That might be because I don’t have testicles.

The guy who cleans my pool just sped off like he peed in it.

If I’m already sick of hearing your sad story, shouldn’t you be tired of living it?

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A man goes into a barber shop, holding a boy by the hand. After a shampoo, shave and a haircut, the man lifts the boy onto the barber chair and says, “I’ll be right back. I’m going to go next door and pick up some bread and milk.”

After the boy’s haircut was finished, the barber remarked, “Your dad’s taking along time. I hope he hasn’t forgotten about you.”

“Oh,” said the boy, “that’s not my dad. That’s just a guy who walked up, took me by the hand and said, ‘Come on. We’re going to get a free haircut.’ “

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Two goats were in an alley behind a movie theater, chomping on an old film. One goat asked, “Pretty good, huh?”

“Yeah,” said the other goat, “but the book was better.”

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A woman needed to find a dentist because she had a bad toothache, but she was frightened. Finally the pain was so bad that she decided she couldn’t wait any longer.

“I’m really nervous,” the woman told the dentist. “I don’t know which is worse — having a tooth worked on or having a baby.”

“Well,” answered the dentist, “you’d better make up your mind before I adjust the chair.”

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I have a job. I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes & the government distributes the money as it sees fit, without any input from me.

In order to get that paycheck, in my case, I am required to pass a random urine test. I don’t use drugs, so I have no problem with this. What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don’t also have to pass a urine test.

Here is my question:

Shouldn’t one have to pass a urine test to get a government check? Because I certainly have to pass one to earn it for them.

Understand, I have no problem with helping deserving people get back on their feet. I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone who is sitting on their BUTT, doing drugs, while I work.

Can you imagine how much money each state could save if recipients of public assistance had to pass a urine test?!?

I also have the perfect name for the program: “URINE OR YOU’RE OUT!”

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While I was being given a tour of a mental asylum, I asked the psychiatrist, “How do you establish whether or not a person should be committed to your institution?”

The doctor answered, “We have a standard test. We fill up a bathtub with water, then give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket, and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”

“I see,” I said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s much bigger than the spoon or the cup.”

“No,” said the doctor, “a normal person would pull the drain plug. Would you like a bed near the window?”

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I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew my boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted crazy he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside-down on the ceiling.

My co-worker, who’s blonde, asked me what I was doing. I explained that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the boss would think I was crazy and give me some time off.

A few minutes later the boss came into the office and asked, “What in the name of God are you doing?”

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, “You are clearly stressed out. Go home and rest for a couple of days.”

I jumped down and headed out of the office. When my blonde co-worker followed me toward the door, the boss asked her, “…and where do you think you’re going?”

She said, “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”

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A young man offered to teach an attractive young woman from work how to play golf. Before they met on the first tee, he popped into the Pro Shop and bought a few golf balls which he slipped into his pants pocket.

As he was about to hit his first shot, he noticed the woman looking at the bulge in his pants. “It’s my golf balls,” he explained.

“Oh, I see,” said the woman. “Is that anything like tennis elbow?”

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1. Feed a fever.

2. Starve a cold.

3. Drown your problems.

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Have you ever looked at others who are your own age and think, “Surely I can’t look that old…”

Well, you’ll love this one:

My name is Mary, and I was sitting in the waiting room for my very first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, it occurred to me that a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on way back then? As soon as I saw him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with a deeply-lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, my curiousity got the best of me. I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.

“Yes. Yes, I Did. I’m a Mustang!” he gleamed with pride.

“When did you graduate?” I asked.

He answered, “In 1975. Why do you ask?”

“You were in my class!” I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely. Then that ugly, balding, wrinkle-faced, gray-haired, decrepid S.O.B. asked…

“Really? What did you teach?”

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While walking down the street one day a corrupt Senator (that may be redundant) was tragically hit by a car. His soul rises up to Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

“Welcome to Heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see politicians around these parts, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,” says the Senator.

“Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”

“Really? But I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,” says the Senator.

“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.”

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.

In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, “Okay, now it’s time to visit Heaven…”

So, 24 hours passes with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

“Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity.”

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: “Well, I would never have said it before… I mean Heaven has been delightful… but I think I would be better off in hell.”

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell…

The doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. It’s incredibly hot, and there is the distinct smell of brimstone in the air.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up burning trash and putting it in black bags as more trash constantly falls to the ground.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders and says, “Welcome to Hell!”

“I don’t understand,” stammers the Senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a burning wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”

The devil smiles at him and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning, Today, you voted..”

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At the spur of the moment, a blonde wants to try some gambling in Louisiana for the first time.

The spinning ball of the roulette wheel catches her attention, so she decides to play. But she immediately has a problem, “I have no idea what number to play.”

A young, good-looking guy standing next to her suggests that she play her age.

Smiling at the man, she puts all her money on number 29.

The wheel is spun, and 36 comes up. The smile falls from the woman’s face and she faints.

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We do not know where this list originated, so unfortunately we cannot give proper credit where credit is due. However, we do want to thank everyone who sent in this useful list of (emotionally) healthy holiday eating tips via email:

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One Christmas Eve, a young husband entered a pet store to buy a puppy for his new wife. The shop owner told him, “Oh, I have something much better than a puppy…

…I have this parrot named Chet. He’s perfect for the holiday season. Just hold a small flame under his feet, and he will sing Christmas carols.”

To demonstrate, the pet shop owner lit his cigarette lighter and held it under the parrot’s left foot. Chet began to sing, “Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! …” The shop owner then moved the flame to the parrot’s right foot. Chet’s changed his song to, “Silent Night, Holy Night…”

The young man was so excited that he paid the man cash and ran home with Chet under his arm. He burst into the house and presented Chet to his wife.

“He’s beautiful!” she exclaimed, “Can he talk?”

“No,” the young man replied, “But he can sing Christmas carols. Watch this!”

The man took out his lighter, placed it under Chet’s left foot, and Chet sang out, “Jingle Bells! Jingle bells! …” The man moved the lighter to Chet’s right foot, and again the parrot performed, “Silent Night, Holy night …”

“Wow, that’s amazing,” the wife said. “What if you hold the lighter between his legs?”

“Let’s try it,” he said. So he carefully moved the lighter exactly halfway between Chet’s legs. Chet cleared his throat, and then began to sing at full volume, “Chet’s nuts roasting on an open fire…”

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Dirty Johnny climbs onto Santa’s lap at the department store. Santa says, “I’ll bet I know what you want for Christmas.” And with his index finger he taps the boy on the nose with every letter he spells, “T-O-Y-S.”

The little boy answers, “No, I have enough toys.”

Santa tries again, tapping Johnny’s nose with every letter, “C-A-N-D-Y.”

Again, Johnny says, “No, I have all kinds of candy.”

“Well, what would you like for Christmas?” Santa asks.

Johnny replies, tapping Santa on the nose, “P-U-S-S-Y. And don’t tell me you don’t have any because I can smell it on your finger!”

Q: Why does Santa come down the chimney?
A: Because his pants are tight and he wriggles a lot.

A little girl climbs up on Santa’s lap, and as usual, Santa asks, “Well, little girl, what do you want for Christmas this year?”

The girl answers “Santa, I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe.”

Confused, Santa asks, “Doesn’t Barbie come with Ken?”

“No, Santa. Barbie comes with G.I. Joe. She fakes it with Ken.”

Did you hear that Tampax is replacing the string on tampons with a piece of tinsel? …but just for the Christmas period.

Three men pass away on Christmas Eve and are waiting at the pearly gates. St. Peter says they can get into Heaven, but only if they have something with them related to Christmas.

The first guy flicks his lighter. “Look, it’s a Christmas candle!” he exclaims, and St. Peter lets him in.

The second fellows takes out his keys and jangles them. “Listen… Jingle bells! Jingle Bells!” he sings, and he is also allowed in.

The third guy, who died during the office Christmas party, thinks for a minute then takes a pair of ladies’ panties out of his pocket.

“Okay,” St. Peter asks. “What do those have to do with Christmas?”

“They’re Carol’s!”

Q: Why wasn’t Jesus born in Italy?
A: They had the three wise guys, but they couldn’t find a virgin.

Q: How does a Jew celebrate Christmas?
A: He installs a parking meter on the roof.

Q: How is a Catholic priest like a Christmas tree?
A: The balls are just for decoration.

Q: Why doesn’t Santa have any kids?
A: He only comes once a year.

A beautiful and amorous Santa groupie decided she was going to give Santa a present he wouldn’t forget. So she puts on a negligee, sheer panties and a robe, and sits next to the fireplace on Christmas Eve.

Around midnight, Santa drops down the chimney and places some presents under the tree. He is about to leave when the young woman says in her sexiest voice, “Oh Santa, please stay. Help me keep the chill away.”

Santa replies, “HO HO HO! Gotta go, gotta go! Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.”

The girl drops her robe to reveal the see-through nightie and pleads, “Oh Santa, don’t go so soon. Let’s go to the couch and spoon.”

Santa, feeling flushed, replies, “HO HO HO! Gotta go, gotta go! Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.”

The girl takes off her top and says, “Oh, Santa. Please stay. Help me celebrate Christmas Day.”

Santa’s eyes get wide, but he still answers, “HO HO HO! Gotta go, gotta go! Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.”

Finally, she slips off her panties, winks at him, and says, “Oh, Santa… Please…”

With a smile, Santa says, “HEY HEY HEY! Gotta stay, Gotta stay! Can’t get up the chimney with my pecker this way!!!”

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Because you do all the work and the fat guy in the funny suit gets all the credit.

Single women come home, see what’s in the refrigerator and decide to go to bed.

Married women come home, see what’s in bed and decide to go to the refrigerator.

He downs it in one gulp, and then takes a photo out of his pocket and stares at it for a minute.

He returns the picture to his pocket and orders another double martini. He downs it as fast as the first one, pulls out the picture again and stares at it some more.

This goes on, round after round, for the next twenty minutes. Finally, the bartender can’t take it any more and he asks the guy, “Hey, buddy. Why do you keep looking at that picture in between each drink?”

“Well,” slurred the guy. “This here is a picture of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know I’ve had enough.”

Hollywood Squares

These great questions and answers are from the days when the Hollywood Squares game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
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Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
—
Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
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Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
—
Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.
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Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
—
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
—
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say ‘I Love You?’
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
—
Q. What are ‘Do It,’ ‘I Can Help,’ and ‘I Can’t Get Enough?’
A. George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment.
—
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question, Peter, and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget.
—
Q. Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
—
Q. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries.
—
Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
—
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
—
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.
—
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
—
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
—
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
—
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
—
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.
—
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
—
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
—
Q. When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
—
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
—
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

Without looking up, the wife answers, “That’s because I married the wrong man.”

A blonde is on board a small, two-seater airplane when suddenly the pilot has a heart attack and dies. Not knowing how to fly an airplane, she grabs the radio.

“Mayday! Mayday! My pilot just died!”

Ground control receives her call for help and answers back, “Don’t worry, Madam. I’ll talk you down. Just do exactly as I say. First I need you to give me your height and position.”

“I’m 5’2″ and sitting in the right front seat.”

After a pause, ground control responds, “Repeat after me: Our Father, who art in Heaven…”

…so his wife would inherit his entire fortune, as long as she remarried within three months of his passing.

“Why do you want to do that?” asked his lawyer.

“Well, I want SOMEONE to be sorry that I died.”

Everyone wondered what he saw in her.

…so he asked her,”Did you wake up grumpy this morning?”

“No,” the wife answered. “I let him sleep in.”

A) Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

Two guys were talking at work about their wives, and one asked the other, “So what are you going to get your wife for your twentieth wedding anniversary?”

“Well,” said the other, “I was thinking about a trip to Australia. She’s never been there before, and I think she’d really like it.”

The first man was very impressed. “Wow, that’s an incredible gift! How in the world are you going to top that for your twenty-fifth anniversary?”

“Hmmm, I’m not sure. Maybe I’ll buy her a ticket back.”

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are in a beauty pageant. It’s time for the final question, which may determine the winner.

The brunette is the first one to go… “Okay,” asks the host. “How many D’s are there in ‘INDIANA JONES?’”
The brunette thinks for a second and responds, “One.”

“Thank you,” the host says. “And may I say your gown looks lovely tonight.”

The redhead is next, and the host of the show asks her the same question, “How many D’s are there in ‘INDIANA JONES?’”

The redhead immediately answers “One!” The host replies, “Thank you, as well.”

Finally it’s the blonde’s turn. She is also asked, “How many D’s are there in ‘INDIANA JONES?’”

The blonde, with a very serious look on her face, starts counting on her fingers, “2, 4, 6…, Hmmm – wait… 2, 4, 6, 8, 10…” After a minute of waiting for her response, the host is ready to give up when the blonde suddenly yells out, “Thirty-two!”

Stunned, the host asks her, “Okay, now tell me, how the hell did you arrive at thirty-two?”

To hear the blonde contestant’s response, click the link below. (Opens in a new window.):
How many D’s are in ‘Indiana Jones?’

A) Let’s be stinkers and come out the other end.

A boy was studying when he asked his father, “Is it true that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until they’re married?”

The father answered, “That’s true everywhere, son.”

“Hmmmm,” said the doctor. “How often do you have sex?”

“Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday,” the woman answered.

“Well,” suggested the doctor, “maybe you should cut out Wednesday and get a full night’s sleep.”

“Oh, I can’t do that,” said the woman. “That’s the only day I do it with my husband.”

A) Pregnant.

…so he walked up to a senior student and asked, “Excuse me. Where’s the library at?”

The upperclassman snorted at the younger student, “Here at Harvard, we NEVER end a sentence in a preposition.”

“OK,” said the freshman. “Where’s the library at, asshole?”

…and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”

A) You can only fit three fingers in a bowling ball.

…and asks the bartender, “I’m lookin’ for my brother. Has he been in here?”

The bartender says, “I don’t know. What does he look like?”

Two hot dogs walk into a bar and ask for a drink.
The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”

The bartender says, “Hey, do you know you have a steering wheel down your pants?”

The guy says, “Yeah, it’s driving me nuts!”

The bartender says to him, “Hey, do you know we have a drink named after you?”

The grasshopper says, “You have a drink named Fred?!?”

“Your test results have come back, and I’m afraid you only have a short time to live. In fact, you only have ten…”

“Ten what?” the patient interrupted. “Ten months?? Ten weeks?!?”

“10…  9…  8…”

…a french fry in the other ear and two pickles stuck in his nostrils.

“Doc,” he pleads. “Can you tell what’s wrong with me?”

“Well,” says the doctor. “It’s look like you’re not eating right.”

A woman reported her husband missing. The policeman came to her door and asked her for a description.

“Well,” she said. “He’s 6 feet 2 inches… 190 pounds… athletic build… blue eyes and thick, dark, wavy hair… cleft chin… a beautiful smile… plus he has a great sense of humor and is wonderful with the children.”

The neighbor, who was listening in, interrupted, “That’s not right! He’s 5 foot 4, overweight, bald, and he’s always yelling at you and the kids.”

“I know!” explained the wife. “But who wants HIM back?!?”

A man was sitting at a bar, getting pretty drunk. The bartender told him, “You’d better slow down there. I think you’ve had enough.”

The man disagreed, “I just lost my wife!”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” said the bartender. “It must be very difficult losing a wife.”

“Difficult?” said the drunk. “It was almost impossible. I had to walk for hours before she finally tired out!”

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