Category Archives: Christmas Jokes

Holiday Eating Tips

We do not know where this list originated, so unfortunately we cannot give proper credit where credit is due. However, we do want to thank everyone who sent in this useful list of (emotionally) healthy holiday eating tips via email:

1. Avoid carrot sticks, celery, cauliflower and broccili. Anyone who puts raw vegetables on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. In fact, if you see vegetables, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It’s rare; you cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? (That’s what New Year’s resolutions are for!) It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It’s a treat.. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. Speaking of mashed potatoes, always ask if they are made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Holiday party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it!

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps. Circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog is exercise enough until the ball drops on December 31st.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape — and size — of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t move an inch. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, please… have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention. Reread these tips. Start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:

“Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate and wine in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO HOO what a ride!”

Inappropriate Christmas Jokes

Dirty Johnny climbs onto Santa’s lap at the department store. Santa says, “I’ll bet I know what you want for Christmas.” And with his index finger he taps the boy on the nose with every letter he spells, “T-O-Y-S.”

The little boy answers, “No, I have enough toys.”

Santa tries again, tapping Johnny’s nose with every letter, “C-A-N-D-Y.”

Again, Johnny says, “No, I have all kinds of candy.”

“Well, what would you like for Christmas?” Santa asks.

Johnny replies, tapping Santa on the nose, “P-U-S-S-Y. And don’t tell me you don’t have any because I can smell it on your finger!”

Q: Why does Santa come down the chimney?
A: Because his pants are tight and he wriggles a lot.

A little girl climbs up on Santa’s lap, and as usual, Santa asks, “Well, little girl, what do you want for Christmas this year?”

The girl answers “Santa, I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe.”

Confused, Santa asks, “Doesn’t Barbie come with Ken?”

“No, Santa. Barbie comes with G.I. Joe. She fakes it with Ken.”

Did you hear that Tampax is replacing the string on tampons with a piece of tinsel? …but just for the Christmas period.

Three men pass away on Christmas Eve and are waiting at the pearly gates. St. Peter says they can get into Heaven, but only if they have something with them related to Christmas.

The first guy flicks his lighter. “Look, it’s a Christmas candle!” he exclaims, and St. Peter lets him in.

The second fellows takes out his keys and jangles them. “Listen… Jingle bells! Jingle Bells!” he sings, and he is also allowed in.

The third guy, who died during the office Christmas party, thinks for a minute then takes a pair of ladies’ panties out of his pocket.

“Okay,” St. Peter asks. “What do those have to do with Christmas?”

“They’re Carol’s!”

Q: Why wasn’t Jesus born in Italy?
A: They had the three wise guys, but they couldn’t find a virgin.

Q: How does a Jew celebrate Christmas?
A: He installs a parking meter on the roof.

Q: How is a Catholic priest like a Christmas tree?
A: The balls are just for decoration.

Q: Why doesn’t Santa have any kids?
A: He only comes once a year.

A beautiful and amorous Santa groupie decided she was going to give Santa a present he wouldn’t forget. So she puts on a negligee, sheer panties and a robe, and sits next to the fireplace on Christmas Eve.

Around midnight, Santa drops down the chimney and places some presents under the tree. He is about to leave when the young woman says in her sexiest voice, “Oh Santa, please stay. Help me keep the chill away.”

Santa replies, “HO HO HO! Gotta go, gotta go! Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.”

The girl drops her robe to reveal the see-through nightie and pleads, “Oh Santa, don’t go so soon. Let’s go to the couch and spoon.”

Santa, feeling flushed, replies, “HO HO HO! Gotta go, gotta go! Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.”

The girl takes off her top and says, “Oh, Santa. Please stay. Help me celebrate Christmas Day.”

Santa’s eyes get wide, but he still answers, “HO HO HO! Gotta go, gotta go! Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.”

Finally, she slips off her panties, winks at him, and says, “Oh, Santa… Please…”

With a smile, Santa says, “HEY HEY HEY! Gotta stay, Gotta stay! Can’t get up the chimney with my pecker this way!!!”