Love Making Tips for Seniors

senior couple dancing1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner’s name on your hand in case you can’t remember.

6. Use extra Polygrip so your teeth don’t end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

8. Make all the noise you want… The neighbors are deaf too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!

10. Don’t even think about trying it twice.

Old Is When…

old woman‘OLD’ IS WHEN….
Your sweetie says, ‘Let’s go upstairs and make love,’ and you answer, ‘Pick one; I can’t do both!’

Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.

Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.

elderly man‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .

‘Getting a little action’ means you don’t need to take any fiber today.

‘Getting lucky’ means you find your car in the parking lot.

An ‘all nighter’ means not getting up to use the bathroom.


You are not sure if these are facts or jokes.

Disorder in the Court

These are from a book called ‘Disorder in the American Courts’ and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s twenty, much like your IQ.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.  Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?  What school did you go to?

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

And finally:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law..

Spaghetti, Spaghetti

spaghetti-250x167For several years, an American man had been having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided to him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go back to Italy to secretly have the child. Also, if she stayed in Italy raise the child, he would provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write ‘Spaghetti’ on the back when the child was born. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife. ‘Honey,’ she said, ‘You received a very strange post card today.’

‘Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it later,’ he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.

Free Trip to Italy

Cartoon - Ship to ItalyA young blond woman from New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean; but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

“You have so much to live for,” said the man. “I’m a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy.” With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the ship’s hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later the blond was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. “What are you doing here?” asked the captain.

“I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” she replied. “He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy.”

“I see,” the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her, and she added, “Plus, he’s screwing me.”

“He certainly is,” replied the captain. “This is the ferry to Ellis Island.”

Clean Knock Knock Jokes – Suitable for Children

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Tarzan! Tarzan who? Tarzan Stipes Forever!

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Canoe! Canoe who? Canoe come out and play?

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Mikey! Mikey who? Mikey doesn’t fit in the keyhole!

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Duane! Duane who? Duane the tub… I’m dwowning!

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Who! Who who? That’s what the owl said!

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Tank. Tank who? You’re welcome!

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Wooden shoe. Wooden shoe who? Wooden shoe like to hear another ‘knock knock’ joke?

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce in, we’re freezing out here.

Knock Knock! Who’s there? Dewey. Dewey who? Dewey have to keep telling these ‘knock knock’ jokes?

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Honey bee. Honey bee who? Honey, bee a dear and get me a glass of water.

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Cow says. Cow says who? No silly, a cow says Mooooo!

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Double. Double who? W!

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Atch. Atch who? Bless you!

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Ya. Ya who? Wow, I’m very excited to see you, too.

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Figs. Figs who? Figs the doorbell, it’s broken!

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Boo! Boo who? Awww, don’t cry… it’s only me.

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Iva. Iva who? I’ve a sore hand from all this knocking!

Knock, knock. Who’s there? A little old lady. A little old lady who? I didn’t know you could yodel.

Will you remember me in 2 minutes? Yes. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Hey, you didn’t remember me!

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock, knock. Who’s there? Banana. Banana who?
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock, knock. Who’s there? Orange. Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn’t say banana again?

Forest Fire Photography

forest fireA photographer was assigned to take pictures of an intense forest fire for his publisher’s latest photo book. He was instructed that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire for some aerial shots.

The photographer arrived at the airport, and saw a small Cessna airplane idling near the runway. He grabbed his cameras, jumped in, and shouted, “Let’s take off!” Continue reading Forest Fire Photography

Funny Quotes: Alyson Fouse

Thank you, Alyson! Here are some of the more humorous Twitter quotes from the multi-talented comedic writer Alyson Fouse:

When people suck the life out of you, wouldn’t it be nice if they took some fat, too?

Poor bartenders. Nobody complains to them anymore. We just bitch on Twitter.

Does a sports bra really support anything other than delusions?

A zombie apocalypse doesn’t frighten me half as much as Beiber Fever.

I really don’t think I’m that heavy. I think gravity just loves me more.

It’s just God’s cruel joke that the delivery guy is this gorgeous and I’m this old.

I procrastinate at a professional level.

There’s a report out that coffee extends your life. That may be true, but if I drink too much of it a lot of people will want to kill me.

I’ve been using food to replace sex. I used to have a lot of sex.

I was cool with disco. Didn’t like house. Hate whatever this music is that Chris Brown is doing. Shall we call it bullshit?

“Don’t give away what you can get them to pay for.” -The first guy who bottled water, and yeah, probably a whore.

Life is good. Fattening, but good.

I believe anyone who’d want to see Octomom do porn would have a more enjoyable time visiting the grand canyon.

Okay, something’s wrong. I’m still eating this Chinese food and I’m already hungry again.

Fell asleep watching a movie and woke up with cat hair in my hair. I’m pretty sure my life used to be sexier than this.

Is it just me or does a tube top scream hooker?

You know those Zaaz machines in the mall that shake the hell out of you? I kinda’ like ’em. That might be because I don’t have testicles.

The guy who cleans my pool just sped off like he peed in it.

If I’m already sick of hearing your sad story, shouldn’t you be tired of living it?

Urine Testing for…

I have a job. I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes & the government distributes the money as it sees fit, without any input from me.

In order to get that paycheck, in my case, I am required to pass a random urine test. I don’t use drugs, so I have no problem with this. What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don’t also have to pass a urine test.

Here is my question:

Shouldn’t one have to pass a urine test to get a government check? Because I certainly have to pass one to earn it for them.

Understand, I have no problem with helping deserving people get back on their feet. I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone who is sitting on their BUTT, doing drugs, while I work.

Can you imagine how much money each state could save if recipients of public assistance had to pass a urine test?!?

I also have the perfect name for the program: “URINE OR YOU’RE OUT!”

How to Tell If a Person Should Be Committed

hospital signWhile I was being given a tour of a mental asylum, I asked the psychiatrist, “How do you establish whether or not a person should be committed to your institution?”

The doctor answered, “We have a standard test. We fill up a bathtub with water, then give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket, and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”

“I see,” I said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s much bigger than the spoon or the cup.”

“No,” said the doctor, “a normal person would pull the drain plug. Would you like a bed near the window?”

How to Get a Sick Day

light bulb idea

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew my boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted crazy he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside-down on the ceiling.

My co-worker, who’s blonde, asked me what I was doing. I explained that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the boss would think I was crazy and give me some time off.

A few minutes later the boss came into the office and asked, “What in the name of God are you doing?”

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, “You are clearly stressed out. Go home and rest for a couple of days.”

I jumped down and headed out of the office. When my blonde co-worker followed me toward the door, the boss asked her, “…and where do you think you’re going?”

She said, “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”

Golf Affliction

A young man offered to teach an attractive young woman from work how to play golf. Before they met on the first tee, he popped into the Pro Shop and bought a few golf balls which he slipped into his pants pocket.

As he was about to hit his first shot, he noticed the woman looking at the bulge in his pants. “It’s my golf balls,” he explained.

“Oh, I see,” said the woman. “Is that anything like tennis elbow?”

Getting Older…

old dentistHave you ever looked at others who are your own age and think, “Surely I can’t look that old…”

Well, you’ll love this one:

My name is Mary, and I was sitting in the waiting room for my very first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, it occurred to me that a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on way back then? Continue reading Getting Older…

A Senator Goes to Heaven…

devil invitationWhile walking down the street one day a corrupt Senator (that may be redundant) was tragically hit by a car. His soul rises up to Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

“Welcome to Heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see politicians around these parts, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,” says the Senator.

“Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.” Continue reading A Senator Goes to Heaven…

Holiday Eating Tips

We do not know where this list originated, so unfortunately we cannot give proper credit where credit is due. However, we do want to thank everyone who sent in this useful list of (emotionally) healthy holiday eating tips via email:

1. Avoid carrot sticks, celery, cauliflower and broccili. Anyone who puts raw vegetables on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. In fact, if you see vegetables, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It’s rare; you cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? (That’s what New Year’s resolutions are for!) It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It’s a treat.. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. Speaking of mashed potatoes, always ask if they are made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Holiday party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it!

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps. Circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog is exercise enough until the ball drops on December 31st.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape — and size — of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t move an inch. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, please… have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention. Reread these tips. Start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:

“Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate and wine in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO HOO what a ride!”

Inappropriate Christmas Jokes

Dirty Johnny climbs onto Santa’s lap at the department store. Santa says, “I’ll bet I know what you want for Christmas.” And with his index finger he taps the boy on the nose with every letter he spells, “T-O-Y-S.”

The little boy answers, “No, I have enough toys.”

Santa tries again, tapping Johnny’s nose with every letter, “C-A-N-D-Y.”

Again, Johnny says, “No, I have all kinds of candy.”

“Well, what would you like for Christmas?” Santa asks.

Johnny replies, tapping Santa on the nose, “P-U-S-S-Y. And don’t tell me you don’t have any because I can smell it on your finger!”

Q: Why does Santa come down the chimney?
A: Because his pants are tight and he wriggles a lot.

A little girl climbs up on Santa’s lap, and as usual, Santa asks, “Well, little girl, what do you want for Christmas this year?”

The girl answers “Santa, I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe.”

Confused, Santa asks, “Doesn’t Barbie come with Ken?”

“No, Santa. Barbie comes with G.I. Joe. She fakes it with Ken.”

Did you hear that Tampax is replacing the string on tampons with a piece of tinsel? …but just for the Christmas period.

Three men pass away on Christmas Eve and are waiting at the pearly gates. St. Peter says they can get into Heaven, but only if they have something with them related to Christmas.

The first guy flicks his lighter. “Look, it’s a Christmas candle!” he exclaims, and St. Peter lets him in.

The second fellows takes out his keys and jangles them. “Listen… Jingle bells! Jingle Bells!” he sings, and he is also allowed in.

The third guy, who died during the office Christmas party, thinks for a minute then takes a pair of ladies’ panties out of his pocket.

“Okay,” St. Peter asks. “What do those have to do with Christmas?”

“They’re Carol’s!”

Q: Why wasn’t Jesus born in Italy?
A: They had the three wise guys, but they couldn’t find a virgin.

Q: How does a Jew celebrate Christmas?
A: He installs a parking meter on the roof.

Q: How is a Catholic priest like a Christmas tree?
A: The balls are just for decoration.

Q: Why doesn’t Santa have any kids?
A: He only comes once a year.

A beautiful and amorous Santa groupie decided she was going to give Santa a present he wouldn’t forget. So she puts on a negligee, sheer panties and a robe, and sits next to the fireplace on Christmas Eve.

Around midnight, Santa drops down the chimney and places some presents under the tree. He is about to leave when the young woman says in her sexiest voice, “Oh Santa, please stay. Help me keep the chill away.”

Santa replies, “HO HO HO! Gotta go, gotta go! Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.”

The girl drops her robe to reveal the see-through nightie and pleads, “Oh Santa, don’t go so soon. Let’s go to the couch and spoon.”

Santa, feeling flushed, replies, “HO HO HO! Gotta go, gotta go! Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.”

The girl takes off her top and says, “Oh, Santa. Please stay. Help me celebrate Christmas Day.”

Santa’s eyes get wide, but he still answers, “HO HO HO! Gotta go, gotta go! Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.”

Finally, she slips off her panties, winks at him, and says, “Oh, Santa… Please…”

With a smile, Santa says, “HEY HEY HEY! Gotta stay, Gotta stay! Can’t get up the chimney with my pecker this way!!!”

The Best Jokes, Puns and Funny Videos